The title might make you think, is Ken crazy? What’s good about having self-doubt? Well, have you ever felt like losing yourself, having no direction in life? I’m pretty sure you have, everybody has experienced this kind of feeling once in a while, to say the least. But really there’s magic behind it – the self-doubt will help you clear your headjunks and grow exponentially.

Personally, I definitely had a degree of self-doubt when I started this blog. There were a lot of negative and restraining forces that made me feel like this might not work and I might just fail and give up halfway. The doubt was real though, as more than 90% of the millions of blogs out there fail in their first few months. And by failure here I mean the owner stopped blogging. I was definitely leaning towards giving up at one point, but then when I started reading my first few posts, especially the one on Persistence, I decided to walk the talk and not be  a loser! So, I continued my blogging journey. I’m glad I did.

After I made that decision, which was crucial, I began to look at the successful blogs out there like Lifehacker, John Chow dot Com, IncomeDiary, TechCrunch, etc, and thought to myself, “If they could do it, why not me?” I’m no different from who they are, and I don’t think their IQ is remarkably higher than mine. In fact, intelligence is not even the factor. It’s the thinking. The BIG thinking! I’m sure when they first started blogging ,they already had the vision of being who they are right now. And I need to visualize that in order to grow my blog and be able to reach out to as many people as possible. As John Maxwell said, “Beliefs determine expectations. Expectations determine actions. Actions determine results.” Of course, we always talk about taking the action and making it happen. But the action grows from an idea, and the idea comes from the belief that you can do it. That you have the potential, you have the ability, you have the purpose.

First, you have to believe that you have the potential to do it. You might not see it right now but you have to trust yourself. If you have the passion, you need to have the strong belief that you will turn that passion into a success. And the passion has to be so strong that you wouldn’t mind doing it for free! You also need to believe that you will be able to fulfill your dream, no matter how tough it will be. All these also have to be backed by a clear and strong purpose, otherwise it will seem like too much work after a while. And that’s why people without a strong purpose give up easily. Once you have all these beliefs, and you hit the ground running (taking action), your self-doubt will disappear.

Charles Schwab said it well, “When a man has put a limit on what he will do, he has put a limit on what he can do.”

And today, I do not have the self-doubt anymore because I know that it works. I can see my blog growing in terms of traffic and contents, and I keep brainstorming ideas to make it better than yesterday. I heard from somewhere that, “if you’re not growing, you’re dying.” So, beginning this very second, stop doubting yourself and start believing in your own magic! You will make it happen, and if nobody else believes that, I will. Please share your comment below, I’d like to hear your stories and opinions.

Imagine this: you were back into your childhood 15 years ago (or whatever years it’ll take), you broke a very expensive wine glass of your father. The fear of getting punished by your dad just overwhelmed you to the extent that you were looking down when you walked and talked, twiddling your thumbs on your way to tell your mom (I’m sure you’d tell your mom first!). That fear, that fear of being scolded and caned just dominated your whole little brain (maybe not for the American readers, but I did get caned by my mom and teachers when I was young). Why were you so afraid? That’s because you did something wrong! It doesn’t matter if it was accidental, you broke the glass.

Coming back to reality, if you had cheated in your exam, wouldn’t you feel self-conscious and guilty especially when you see the professor? You’d be thinking, “Did he find out what I did? Did he notice that I was cheating? Oh man, I wish I didn’t do it!” So, how can you still be confident when you’re worried about being found out? Initially, your conscience told you that it’s wrong to do it, but if you don’t do it, you gonna fail the class! So, you tried to justify your actions, telling yourself it wouldn’t hurt if it’s just this time. The same thinking will haunt you wherever you go, and might develop to be a bad habit. Having grown up in Asian culture that’s not as strict on cheating as our American counterparts, I clearly understand the mindset from both cultures. I really admire the American culture that emphasizes honesty as a primary value in every person’s life, and it gives me the peace of mind when I’m dealing with people here.

If you’ve done anything against your conscience, the guilt will nibble away your confidence. You will think that you stand below everybody else because of your irresponsible actions. So, avoid doing anything that will haunt you down for the rest of your life. Each of us have a desire to be right, think right, and act right, according to Dr. David Schwartz. If we violate that desire, we will gradually lose our confidence.

Doing what’s right keeps your conscience intact and gives you the feeling that you can conquer the world and do what you love to do because there’s nothing to be afraid of. However, sometimes even though you know what you do is right, people will still criticize you. But no one on earth has done great things without criticism. Dr. Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, these great men have been greatly criticized during their campaigns, but still they went on. Why? Because they strongly believed that what they did was right. Big thinkers do what’s right and don’t sweat over small stuffs like criticism by small people. If you know what you’re doing is right, you don’t have to listen to anyone but yourself. Go for it!

Remember, do what’s right and you build confidence, do what’s wrong and you build fear. Well, I think this sweet and short post is the end of the confidence building series. Take the actions and you will be a confident individual! It takes practice and time, so take it slow.

Also, please share with us your stories and feedback below and help us to learn from each other! Till next time, think BIG!

I mentioned public speaking as the No.1 fear in the country in my previous post. But what’s really the reason behind that big fear? Why do people feel so self-conscious when others are around?

Well, most people feel awkward when others are looking at them. Simply said, people fear other people. It’s real and you might not even realize it, but unless you conquer this fear, it’s difficult to boost your confidence.

I read a story from “The Magic of Thinking Big” about this businessman who conquered his fear of people by learning how to put people in proper perspective in the army. He went into the army in World War II and he was scared about every person that he met. He felt a lot of people were much smarter than him and he felt like a total loser.

However, during part of 1942 and 1943, this businessman was stationed as a medic at one of the big induction centers (where newly enlisted recruits were physically examined). He helped in examining those new recruits day after day, and his fear of people began to subside…

“All those men lined up by the hundreds, naked as jaybirds, looked so much alike.” He realized that all those men were of different sizes and emotions, and their backgrounds were totally diverse prior to joining the army. But at the induction center, they all looked alike to the businessman. He figured out something very fundamental in putting people in proper perspective: “I discovered the other fellow is pretty much like me. He likes good food, he misses his family and friends, he wants to get ahead, he has problems, he likes to relax.” Now you’d think, if the other person is basically the same as you, why would you be afraid of him?

Dr. Schwartz suggested 2 brilliant ways to put people in proper perspective in the book:

1. Get a balanced view of the other person

There are 2 great points here: first, the other person is important in every way. Everyone is unique and important. Read that again: everyone is unique and important, and that includes YOU! You are important to your family, your friends, your spouse, your coworkers, etc, that’s for sure. But you have to remember that you are important to yourself too. Otherwise, when someone shows you that you’re not important to him/her any more, you’d feel totally defeated. So, whenever you meet another fellow, think “You and I are both important, even though our opinions and interests might be different.”

When you go to work, you would definitely meet someone who might look huge and important, especially if you’re in a big corporation. You might feel afraid of him because of his position and status. But remember this, he or she is still essentially the same human being as you, who likes good food, who has problems, who wants to get ahead. If you keep this in your mind, you’d be able to treat him as an equal and let your confidence and abilities shine through.

2. Develop and understanding attitude

There will be times when you come across people who are just out there to push you down and make you feel miserable. They’re are the negative people of course, but you can’t avoid/ignore them all the time, especially if your job includes dealing with people day in and day out. If you’re not prepared, your confidence would suffer. So let’s go through another story that’s been stuck in my mind for a few years.

In a hotel in Memphis some time ago, a clerk was working at the reservations desk serving the hotel guests. It was shortly after 5 pm, and the hotel was really busy as people kept checking in. A guest called Mr. R (based on the book), was in line to wait to be checked in and it was finally his turn. He gave his name to the clerk in a very commanding way (like he’s the CEO of the hotel).

The clerk said, “Yes sir, Mr. R., we have a fine single for you.”

“Single?” shouted Mr. R. “I ordered a double.”

The clerk explained to him how his telegram only specified a single and even though the hotel would be happy to give him a double but they simply do not have any double available. Mr. R was furious, “I don’t care what the h— that piece of paper says, I want a double.” Mr. R also threatened to have the clerk fired. The clerk, expected to reply with another verbal assault, said politely, “Sir, we’re terribly sorry, but we acted on your instructions.”

Mr. R said something unpleasant, and stormed out.

Then it was the Dr’ Schwartz’s turn, expecting the clerk to be at least a little upset. But he was greeted with one of the finest “Good evening, sir”s instead. The author complimented the clerk on his tremendous temper control.

Here comes the best answer ever:

“Well, sir,” he said, “I really can’t get mad at a fellow like that. You see, he really isn’t mad at me. I was just the scapegoat. The poor fellow may be in bad trouble with his wife, or his business may be off, or maybe he feels inferior. I’m just the guy who gave him a chance to get something out of his system.”

The clerk added, “Underneath he’s probably a very nice guy. Most folks are.”

Wow, what powerful sentences those are! It takes a great deal of courage and humility to be able to say it out loud. Commit these 2 sentences to your memory right now. Read these 2 sentences 20 times, until your mind is totally saturated with the words. If you forget all the stories in this post, that’s fine, but remember these 2 sentences.

So, next time you face the same situation, if you have as much temper control as the clerk, you’d win anyhow. Remember, nobody wins in a verbal fight – both sides lose.

While you’re reading the 2 sentences, I’m working on a couple more posts regarding fear and confidence. Subscribe to my RSS/Email on the right if you don’t want to miss them!

[Stories: Adapted from "Magic of Thinking Big" by Dr. David J. Schwartz]

My post on “5 Steps to Building Confidence in Yourself!” generated so many views that I decided to write a short series of posts on building confidence and conquering fears. They will be rolled out this week and the next, so remember to subscribe to the RSS/Email on the right side of the page!

Let’s talk about fears. What do you fear the most? Spiders, snakes, death? According to many professional counselors such as Shannon Stephens from the Augusta State University, the No.1 fear in the United States is public speaking (death is probably No. 2). Yeah, public speaking – the opportunity to get embarrassed and make a fool out of yourself  by standing in front of an audience and talk. But, it’s also the opportunity to share with the world your ideas and dreams, the chance to get recognized by others for you efforts and knowledge. So, how do you conquer the fear of public speaking?

Speak MORE!

It’s that simple. Do more of what you fear and you’ll conquer the fear. Notice that I said ’simple’, instead of easy, because it’s NOT easy. You need to have a very clear purpose of why you want to conquer the fear, otherwise it’s just a waste of your time. The easiest way is to just relax and go on a cruise around a beautiful beach. If you want to conquer the fear, you’d better have a strong reason to do it, or it will sound like too much work.

Okay, so you’ve identified your fear and made up your mind to conquer it, that’s the first step. Next, even though you’ve conquered your deepest fear, you need to realize that the fear will still be there. It won’t go away completely. But instead of overpowering you, it will empower you to do great things. You need the adrenaline from fear to keep you going in a speech otherwise you’d look like a robot.

Therefore, the most important thing in conquering fear and building confidence is to take action. The more you wait and postpone, the more afraid you’ll become. You’ll be paralyzed by the thoughts of fear and fail to do anything. Your confidence will take a nose dive and you’ll feel inferior to your own emotions. Every thought of that negative nature is a mind poison. The more poison you take, the less likely you’ll be able to act on your fear and you’ll be a slave to your fears (but remember if the fear is unimportant, don’t sweat it!).

Imagine that you’ve succeeded in acting on your fear. You’ll feel more confident the next time you face the same kind of fear because you’ve done it before, why not the 2nd time? And the 3rd, the 4th, the 5th..you get the idea. And that’s how you’ll boost your confidence, day by day. It’s gonna take some time before you can notice the effect, but if you’re persistent you’ll see the results. I used to fear speaking in public (who isn’t?!) but I think I’m feeling more comfortable now that I’ve chosen to take up the challenge of speaking to an audience whenever possible. Taken out from the book “The Magic of Thinking Big”, I’ve also listed below actions you could take to conquer some of the more common types of fear:

1) Embarrassment because of personal appearance -> Improve it. Go to a barbershop or beauty salon. Shine your shoes. Get your clothes cleaned and pressed. In general, practice better grooming. It doesn’t always take new clothes.

2) Fear of failing an exam -> Convert worry time into study time.

3) Fear of what other people may think and say -> Make sure that what you plan to do is right. Then do it. No one ever does anything worthwhile for which he is not criticized.

This actually relates to myself when I planned to start this blog. I began thinking about what others may think or say if I write about stuffs like these. Eventually I decided to just plunge in, and you know it’s all worth it! I’m enjoying the blogging process and the opportunity to help readers like you to improve your life. Now I don’t really care about what others say any more, because I know this is what I want to do and it’s the right thing to do!

4) Fear of people -> Put them in proper perspective. It’s so important that I will touch more on conquering the fear of people in the next post.

Meanwhile, there’s a 2-step procedure here that you should take away:

First, pin down your fear and determine exactly what you’re afraid of and what you want to accomplish by conquering it.

Second, Take the appropriate action. Think hard about what you can do, there will definitely be an action for your fear.

Act or be acted upon by your fear!

I recently reread this book by Dr. David Schwartz called the “The Magic of Thinking Big”, and found this 5-step method to building confidence. I thought I should share it with you guys over here. This book changed my mindset about life 5 years ago and now it’s still helping me to grow and learn, a true reading gem. I didn’t think that I’d be who I am today if I didn’t get enlightened by this book when I finished high school in year 2003, it’s a great book on how to think big, and take actions on the success ideas. If you don’t read any other books that’s fine, but grab this one!

OK, so here comes the 5-step method to building confidence that you can start doing right away. If you want to think confidently, act confidently. Confident actions will lead to confident thinking, and so you have to act the way you want to feel. Practice them and build your confidence like there’s no tomorrow! I’m breaking down according to the level of difficulty in my humble opinion, it could be different for you so adjust accordingly:

1) Walk 25% faster

This one is easy. Just walk at least 25% faster and you’ll have more confidence in yourself. How? Psychologists say that you can change your attitudes by changing your posture and speed of movement. Intuitively, when you see someone dragging their feet walking to work on the street, you’d think they have a miserable life, or to say the least they hate their job. However, when you see someone sprinting through the crowd, you’d naturally think that the person’s got someplace important to go, something important to do. They’re proud of themselves and the things they do, and they want to succeed in the shortest period of time.

As Dr. Schwartz suggested, next time you walk out the door, throw your shoulders back, lift up your head, move ahead just a little faster, and feel your self-confidence grow!

2) Smile big

Do this -> Smile BIG at this moment. Can you feel bad and smile big at the same time? No! A big smile kills all the negative emotions and fears in yourself and help you to relax and be more friendly. It’s the best way to win more friends. It’s the best way to make yourself happy again. Heck it’s even the best way to banish your fears!

Remember though, to smile BIG, really BIG. Smile until your teeth show. You don’t have to show everyone your gum but smile in a way that make you look friendly and confident. It’ll make your day.

3) Make eye contact

Eye contact is probably one of the most important things in communication. If someone doesn’t look you in the eye and look at everything in the room but you, you’d think, “What’s he got to hide? He’s probably afraid.” When you fail to make eye contacts, you tell the whole world that you feel inferior, you feel afraid. Or maybe you feel guilty, you’ve done something wrong to the person you’re talking to. That’s why when you say “I love you” you should look the other person in the eye!

If you can look the other person in the eye comfortably, it sends a positive message: “I’m honest and I’m confident. I have nothing to hide and you can believe what I have to tell you.” So, when you go to work tomorrow, look your boss in the eyes when you talk. It will give you confidence, and win your confidence!

4) Be a front-seater

This is a good one. Most people could probably relate to this. Notice in meetings, any kinds of meetings, the crowd tends to fill up the back seats first? You’d see few people taking the front seats because it’s “too conspicuous”, according to Dr. Schwartz. It builds confidence. Students tend to avoid the front rows because they think they’d get picked by the professor, that’s because they’re not prepared for the class! If you’re prepared and confident, why not get picked and practice speaking up (which is the next thing I’m gonna talk about)?

Yeah, you’d be noticed, but why not? After all, you have nothing to hide and there’s nothing wrong with showing the world that you want to succeed.

5) Speak up

This probably doesn’t come naturally to most people. There are many people who have great knowledge and ideas that fail to speak up in a discussion. It’s simply because they lack the confidence to make their voice heard. They’re thinking,” I don’t want to say something that might make me look stupid. If I keep quiet, they won’t think highly of me, but at least they won’t think that I’m ignorant.” This is a negative thinking and the effect compounds as time goes. Each time a person fails to speak up, the harder it’ll be for the person to speak up the next time. But it holds true for the opposite too. The more you speak up, the easier it’ll be for you to speak up the next time.

Don’t worry if the other person doesn’t agree with you, chances are someone else will. And even if nobody agrees, they’d appreciate your willingness to contribute to the discussion to make it more engaging. Few things you can do are commenting, making a suggestion, and asking a question. If you can master this, your confidence will skyrocket!

So, I’ve listed the 5 confidence-building exercises and I hope you find them useful. There are a lot more great ideas from “The Magic of Thinking Big” so be sure to grab a copy of it. Caveat: It’s good to KNOW these ideas, but if you don’t ACT on them, it’s useless knowledge. If you don’t think you can implement all 5 of them at the same time, start by walking 25% faster. It’s the easiest thing to do, especially if you’re in big cities like NYC (everybody walks fast anyway!). I’m practicing these 5 exercises myself, so let’s work hard together!