I mentioned public speaking as the No.1 fear in the country in my previous post. But what’s really the reason behind that big fear? Why do people feel so self-conscious when others are around?

Well, most people feel awkward when others are looking at them. Simply said, people fear other people. It’s real and you might not even realize it, but unless you conquer this fear, it’s difficult to boost your confidence.

I read a story from “The Magic of Thinking Big” about this businessman who conquered his fear of people by learning how to put people in proper perspective in the army. He went into the army in World War II and he was scared about every person that he met. He felt a lot of people were much smarter than him and he felt like a total loser.

However, during part of 1942 and 1943, this businessman was stationed as a medic at one of the big induction centers (where newly enlisted recruits were physically examined). He helped in examining those new recruits day after day, and his fear of people began to subside…

“All those men lined up by the hundreds, naked as jaybirds, looked so much alike.” He realized that all those men were of different sizes and emotions, and their backgrounds were totally diverse prior to joining the army. But at the induction center, they all looked alike to the businessman. He figured out something very fundamental in putting people in proper perspective: “I discovered the other fellow is pretty much like me. He likes good food, he misses his family and friends, he wants to get ahead, he has problems, he likes to relax.” Now you’d think, if the other person is basically the same as you, why would you be afraid of him?

Dr. Schwartz suggested 2 brilliant ways to put people in proper perspective in the book:

1. Get a balanced view of the other person

There are 2 great points here: first, the other person is important in every way. Everyone is unique and important. Read that again: everyone is unique and important, and that includes YOU! You are important to your family, your friends, your spouse, your coworkers, etc, that’s for sure. But you have to remember that you are important to yourself too. Otherwise, when someone shows you that you’re not important to him/her any more, you’d feel totally defeated. So, whenever you meet another fellow, think “You and I are both important, even though our opinions and interests might be different.”

When you go to work, you would definitely meet someone who might look huge and important, especially if you’re in a big corporation. You might feel afraid of him because of his position and status. But remember this, he or she is still essentially the same human being as you, who likes good food, who has problems, who wants to get ahead. If you keep this in your mind, you’d be able to treat him as an equal and let your confidence and abilities shine through.

2. Develop and understanding attitude

There will be times when you come across people who are just out there to push you down and make you feel miserable. They’re are the negative people of course, but you can’t avoid/ignore them all the time, especially if your job includes dealing with people day in and day out. If you’re not prepared, your confidence would suffer. So let’s go through another story that’s been stuck in my mind for a few years.

In a hotel in Memphis some time ago, a clerk was working at the reservations desk serving the hotel guests. It was shortly after 5 pm, and the hotel was really busy as people kept checking in. A guest called Mr. R (based on the book), was in line to wait to be checked in and it was finally his turn. He gave his name to the clerk in a very commanding way (like he’s the CEO of the hotel).

The clerk said, “Yes sir, Mr. R., we have a fine single for you.”

“Single?” shouted Mr. R. “I ordered a double.”

The clerk explained to him how his telegram only specified a single and even though the hotel would be happy to give him a double but they simply do not have any double available. Mr. R was furious, “I don’t care what the h— that piece of paper says, I want a double.” Mr. R also threatened to have the clerk fired. The clerk, expected to reply with another verbal assault, said politely, “Sir, we’re terribly sorry, but we acted on your instructions.”

Mr. R said something unpleasant, and stormed out.

Then it was the Dr’ Schwartz’s turn, expecting the clerk to be at least a little upset. But he was greeted with one of the finest “Good evening, sir”s instead. The author complimented the clerk on his tremendous temper control.

Here comes the best answer ever:

“Well, sir,” he said, “I really can’t get mad at a fellow like that. You see, he really isn’t mad at me. I was just the scapegoat. The poor fellow may be in bad trouble with his wife, or his business may be off, or maybe he feels inferior. I’m just the guy who gave him a chance to get something out of his system.”

The clerk added, “Underneath he’s probably a very nice guy. Most folks are.”

Wow, what powerful sentences those are! It takes a great deal of courage and humility to be able to say it out loud. Commit these 2 sentences to your memory right now. Read these 2 sentences 20 times, until your mind is totally saturated with the words. If you forget all the stories in this post, that’s fine, but remember these 2 sentences.

So, next time you face the same situation, if you have as much temper control as the clerk, you’d win anyhow. Remember, nobody wins in a verbal fight – both sides lose.

While you’re reading the 2 sentences, I’m working on a couple more posts regarding fear and confidence. Subscribe to my RSS/Email on the right if you don’t want to miss them!

[Stories: Adapted from "Magic of Thinking Big" by Dr. David J. Schwartz]

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